From The Frontline Thursday with Gabrielle Morel: Communication and Marriage

Since Valentine’s Day just passed, I wanted to bring up the subject of improving your marriage. When my Husband first joined the Army, we spent almost every second with each other. Once he became an NCO, noncommissioned officer, all of that changed. It felt as if, the Army had stolen my husband from me. The first few months after my husband’s promotion, were the most stressful days of my life. Then one night we both sat down and actually had a heart to heart conversation, something we hadn’t done in years. It was that moment, where we both decided to take more initiative when it came to improving things in our marriage.

Now our marriage isn’t perfect, but right now we are closer than we have ever been in our 8 years of being together. I don’t hold the secret to solving every marital problem there is, but there is one key thing that I believe can help many marriages and relationships.

Talking!

I know some of you, are probably shaking your head and saying “Well, we talk already. What kind of advice is that?” Remember the saying “Quality over Quantity,” you want to have quality conversations, not just generic conversations about the weather. Communication like any other skill has to be used constantly, in order to improve it. Sit down with your spouse and work on your communication skills. Start off by talking openly and honestly about little things, with time you can progress to the big things. Talk about your feelings, and be detailed when describing how you feel toward your spouse. Don’t just say you love them; tell them what exactly it is that you love about them.

Ask him or her; what is the best way to bring up sensitive topics. Too many times, we avoid talking about a subject because it’s a “touchy” subject. Avoiding the subject isn’t communicating and the issue will not disappear on its own. Most importantly, be honest and be kind. Do not lie or hide things, because then you are defeating the whole purpose. If it really bothers you that your spouse doesn’t help out with the kids, tell them. You don’t want to make your spouse feel bad, because they will either say something hurtful back or withdraw from the situation.

The following is an example of what not to say, and a better way of wording it:
“I really hate that you don’t help me at all with the kids. You’re so lazy!”

“I’d love if you could help me put the kids to bed more often. We really enjoy spending that quality time with you.”

Can you see the difference between the two? The first sentence can come off as an attack and doesn’t take the spouse’s feelings into consideration. It’s always best to be tactful when discussing a touchy subject, because you don’t want to hurt your spouse.

Here is an exercise to try with your Spouse…
Grab a piece of paper, and write about all the good qualities your spouse has. Think back to when you first met them, when you both were dating or during your honeymoon stage. Remember all the things that made you fall in love with them. Ask your spouse to do the same, but write these letters in private, so you can take your time. When you both are finished writing your letters, read them out loud to each other. This will give you both a chance to say all the things you love about your spouse. It does not have to be Valentine’s Day, for you to show you spouse just how much you love and value them.